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Title: Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help
Author: Richard Pink (Author, Narrator), Roxanne Emery (Author, Narrator)
Publication Date: 2023 (book and audio)
Publisher: (book) Penguin Randomhouse, (audio) Penguin Audio
Recording time: 4 hours, 3 minutes
ABOUT DIRTY LAUNDRY
An empowering and witty guide to banishing shame and living your fullest life with ADHD—plus tips for loved ones on helping them navigate this world, too—from viral duo ADHD_Love.
What if you stopped feeling ashamed of constantly being late or of getting so hyperfocused on a task that you drop everything else you had to do? How can you as a partner, parent, or friend better understand your neurodivergent loved one’s way of moving through the world?
In Dirty Laundry, life partners Rich Pink and Rox Emery unapologetically guide you through the ups and downs of life with ADHD. Every chapter starts with a common symptom of ADHD, like impulsivity or struggles with finances, and an earnest moment from their own lives to show you how they navigate the symptom together. Rox reminds you to be kind to yourself and love yourself for who you are; Rich offers tips on how he uses compassion and honesty instead of jumping to conclusions. Whether it’s helping your ADHDer with friendly time-checks before an appointment or reminding yourself to take breaks during hours spent hyperfocusing on a new project, Rox and Rich give you the tools to destigmatize and normalize life with ADHD.
My Review
I read this book after being encouraged to do so by my ADHD-diagnosed spouse, and much of this book felt very familiar. Dirty Laundry is a short, well-written, and humorous advice book about a very serious disorder. The reputation of ADHD is that it is a “can’t sit still” problem. That’s not entirely inaccurate, as a symptom, but it is so incomplete a picture that it’s very misleading. A book like this helps to present the full picture, and through so doing, it encourages help, understanding, and compassion.
ADHD is much more accurately labeled an executive function disorder of the brain, that prevents its sufferers from making decisions “normally.” It’s not that a someone with ADHD wants to be constantly late, it’s that the person struggles to understand time and that this lack of understanding can lead to self-defeating patterns and habits. It’s not that a person wants to make impulsive decisions – it’s that his or her brain becomes overwhelmed by an impulse so powerful that the desire to act on it cannot be controlled. On the other hand, ADHD often “gifts” its possessor with the super-ability to hyper-fixate on an issue, to the point wherein that person can become a PhD level expert on that issue, whether the topic is ancient Egypt, the best place to book a hotel in Memphis, Tennessee, or what your company’s logo should look like and why. Many ADHD-sufferers are unusually creative and the disorder keeps them perpetually optimistic about their next creative endeavors, even if they did not succeed or even follow through with their prior attempts. Our society benefits greatly from the indefatigable creators and inventors who suffer from ADHD. The key to unlocking those potential superpowers is working to create an environment for sufferers wherein the negatives of the disorder do not overwhelm its benefits.
The book covers ten common symptoms of ADHD, and addresses them from the perspective of the ADHD-sufferer and her partner who is neurotypical. I really liked this book precisely because it presents both sides of how this disorder might impact a relationship. Rox gives her perspective of living with ADHD and how it has impacted her life, both positively and negatively. Rich, her neurotypical partner, does the same in turn. His perspective as the partner of someone with this disorder was of particular personal interest to me and I found his attitude and advise to be valuable.
If you read this book looking for cures or solutions, you’re probably going to be disappointed. It is not written to provide those things – nor do I think those things exist. ADHD is a thing to live with and to manage, not a thing to eliminate. What the book does intend to do is to demonstrate the seriousness of the disorder and to create a space to reduce the shame of those suffering with it. The book also provides some advice for those neurotypical people living with an ADHDer.
After reading the book, I not only found myself more sympathetic to those with this disorder, I also began to wonder if many of the people I have been annoyed with at one time or another, over the years, are struggling with ADHD. My spouse does not have all of the symptoms laid out in the book, but several other people from my past came to mind throughout. The fact I do not know is a good reminder to be kind broadly. This disorder is a disability, just like any other. It’s just a harder one to see and recognize without education.
This is a really good book and it’s not a big time investment. I recommend reading the it, even if neither you nor partner suffer from ADHD. The statistics vary, but as much as 10% of the population suffers from the disorder. You will likely recognize the symptoms and stories from the book in someone you know. That person might genuinely be struggling, ignorant of their own situation, or feeling tremendous self-loathing. You might be able to help. Even if they have a diagnosis, and are going through therapy, understanding and compassion still go a long way. You might even end up with a friend or partner gifted with unique superpowers that might benefit your life in ways you couldn’t have imagined.
